How to keep your girlfriend

You can't trick, manipulate, cajole or threaten her into staying with you. There is only one way, and even it's not a sure thing. What you must do is be the type of man she wants, and treat her in such a way that she will never think to leave because you've made her life so wonderful.

But there is something critically important to remember in all this, and that is that your happiness is just as important as hers, because if you sacrifice too much, if you make yourself miserable in order to make her happy, then eventually you will become resentful and it all falls apart. 

It must be a win-win situation, which is focused on creating a mutually beneficial relationship. Sort of like simultaneous orgasms. 

Remember, relationships are not a zero-sum game. For her to win doesn't mean you must lose. Be a giver, and you will receive back.

Here are some of the basics I've picked up from convincing a woman way out of my league to stick with me for almost a quarter century:

Be reliable

This is not the same thing as being whipped, but about being a man of your word. If you say you're going to do something, then do it.

Sometimes this means getting up off your ass when there is good stuff on TV when she needs you. Like if she needs a ride, needs help moving something, fixing something, or just needs to talk about something. You need to be there for her on a regular basis, and not just when you want to have sex.

And know that this is not one way. Be there for her, and she'll be there for you.

Be loyal

Even open relationships usually have rules.

You need to establish the rules of your relationship, and stick to them.

I'm big into monogamy—which I recognize isn’t for everyone—partially because the thought of my wife being with someone else makes me feel sick. The rule we came to together is this: me and her, no one else. To expect her to stick to that rule, I have to as well. It's fair. It's being loyal to our contract.

But it goes beyond this.

A long-term girlfriend, someone who may one day become your wife, is someone you want to support, sometimes in the face of criticism from others. I once told a friend, "One of the most important jobs a husband has is to protect his wife from his mother."

It may be cliché, but mothers don't always get along so well with their sons' wives (or girlfriends). If your significant other is really, shockingly, badly wrong in an evil sort of way and others are telling you this, I'm not saying take her side over that of your family or your friends. Instead, I'm saying rethink that relationship. This happens. I lost a good friend to his crazy, manipulative girlfriend. Don't think with your penis, but instead find a good woman who is worthy of you.

And if you do, know that even a good woman makes mistakes, and for these less serious matters, you're going to want to take your partner's side most of the time. If you break up, your mom will forgive you. If you're always taking your mom's side over your girlfriend's, you won't have a girlfriend much longer.

And it goes even further.

Some guys, for some stupid reason, think it's cool to make fun of their girlfriend in public. They use her as the butt of jokes to impress their friends.

Don't do that. That's stupid. That's disloyal and disrespectful. This woman trusts you. She lets you see her naked. Why the hell would you do that?

And even when she's not around, don't let your friends talk smack about her. Straighten them out. Tell them you don't want them saying nasty things about her. Instead, tell others how much you appreciate her, because the way you talk about her will find it's way back to her. You want people telling your girlfriend you say nice things about her, not unkind things.

I remember years ago at a company Christmas party my wife coming up to me and giving me a big kiss and saying, "You're awesome." When I asked what brought that on, she explained that one of my co-workers told her about how I always speak so highly of her.

And more recently I was on the radio discussing "useless" university degrees. I didn't even know my wife was listening when I said, "The most value I got out of my undergraduate degree was meeting my wife." The announcers laughed, but it prompted my wife to send me a loving text message.

Accept her body

Adoring / worshiping / massaging her body is good.

Telling her to change it: not good.

Let's start off with body hair. Perhaps you've been programmed by porn to expect a certain depilated look. First off, know that the stuff is there for a reason. If she prefers the natural look, don't try to guilt her into transforming into some shaved Barbie just to satisfy your infantile desires. 

You can make a gentle suggestion if you want once your relationship is well established, but accept her decision on the matter.

As for the rest of her body, I believe there is merit in being a good fitness and healthy eating role models, and creating a supportive environment that allows you both to look after your health without any pressure to look a certain way. That's about it.

Speaking of her body, let's make this article a little more interesting and talk about body-touching-body stuff.

Kiss her like you miss her

Chances are you won't be having sex every day. At least, not after a while. Well, maybe you will, but probably not.

Anyway, if she likes it, you should definitely kiss her every day. A lot. When saying hello and saying goodbye, even if you're going to be gone only a couple of hours.

It keeps you connected. It lets her know you care about her. Hold her close and give her a passionate kiss. Frequently.

Cuddle morning and night

If you're living together, then it's good bonding to cuddle right before sleep, and right upon waking. Setting the alarm five minutes early to cuddle each other starts the day off right.

Note: Cuddling doesn't necessarily have to involve sex. Sometimes, it leads to it though. Feel free to enjoy those times.

Sleep naked

This obviously isn't a requirement, but I do think it's good advice if you're both naked in bed all night. It makes those aforementioned cuddles way more enjoyable, and gives the two of you better access to the fun stuff. It makes you think more about each other in sexual terms. You don't want to ever stop thinking about each other sexually, and spending more time touching each other while naked – even when no sex is involved – helps keep you sexually connected.

It also helps if you …

Shower together

More naked time together = good. Again, it doesn't necessarily mean sex. It's just being naked together. Saves water too.

Get better at sex

We're talking about keeping a girlfriend here, and if you keep getting better in the sack, she's more likely to want to stick with you.

I'm not going to write a how-to-be-a-sexual-tyrannosaurus advice book. I know only a few things about getting better in bed, and I'll share them:

• Have conversations about sex outside of having sex. Keep it light. Talk about things each of you like. Don't take her comments as criticism, but as valuable feedback. Consider it a skill that takes time to develop and be determined to get better at it.
• Take pleasure in her pleasure. Think about you, sure, but think about her too.
• Listen to her voice. Pay attention to her moans and do more of stuff that has her making pleasurable sounds, and less of stuff that doesn't.
• React to her body. Just like listening to her voice, you need to do the same with her body. Is she pulling away or tensing up with discomfort? Then you need to change your technique. Is she reacting like she wants to pull you through the mattress? That's good. Do more of that.

That's what I got.

Okay, back to the less naked stuff for a bit.

Be hygienic

Early on in your relationship you probably don't need to be reminded of this, but just because you've become comfortable with each other doesn't mean you should get too comfortable.

Don't gross her out

I think it's probably good advice that you should never marry a woman you can't fart in front of. However, just because you can fart in front of her, doesn't mean you always should. I'm not saying hold them all in so you explode, but don't relish in constantly blasting away like you have a leaf blower strapped to your ass either. Show some class. Say, "Excuse me."

And for God's sake, never crap in front of her.

Don't let yourself go

Not sure what to do to stay in shape? Shameless self-promotion alert! I'm a syndicated fitness columnist, and you can find all my published work here and my blog is here.

But yeah, try to stay healthy for her. Physically fit men have higher sex drives and much lower risk of developing erectile dysfunction.

Hold her hand

Duh.

Make plans for the future that involve her

It could be next week, next month or next year, but talking about what you plan for the future together is a sure way to get her thinking about your long-term prospects.

On that note, you may need to …

Sacrifice for her

Long ago I wanted to be a history professor. I went so far as finishing a master's degree in military history. Then I thought about how nomadic the lifestyle is, bouncing around from university to university in a quest for a tenured position, and I thought about the havoc that would create for my wife, who wanted to start a family medicine practice.

I couldn't ask her to do that, so I changed my plans for the sake of our relationship.

You may need to do something like that. Decide what's more important to you: her, or this other thing.

Self-improvement: Work on it

If you meet her when you're 20, she doesn't want you to be the same guy when you're 40. You'll need to grow, and probably grow up a little.

Keep her interested in you by constantly striving to be a better human. Don't see falling in love as weakness, but draw strength from it instead. Use it as motivation to better yourself. Be a man worthy of an amazing woman's company. She doesn't want you to turn into some lazy, couch-surfing, Doritos-scarfing, beer-guzzling, serial farting, unhygienic and unmotivated clown. Quest to become the opposite.

Okay, back to sex.

Realize that what happens in porn and what happens with her is likely to be very different

Don't let porn be your guide in the bedroom. Let her be your guide. Well, don't be a puppet; guide each other. And don't expect her to behave like Amber/Ginger/Jenna/Tori.

Those women are actors. Your girlfriend is not.

Speaking of porn, keep your usage in check

This isn't about guilt or morality. I'm going to appeal strictly to your self-interest. The fact is excessive porn usage can have a negative affect on your sex life because of the way it changes your brain. Read this science-based explanation as to why.

Let go of unrealistic fantasies

Many guys fantasize about having a threesome. With twins.

Okay, sorry about that.

If you're in a long-term monogamous relationship – if she's the one and you're getting married – then the twin thing probably isn't going to happen. Let it go.

Do things that are important to her, even if you don't want to

Remember that a relationship is give and take. Go to those family events. Watch that sappy movie. Look at those curtain swatches. Take notice of the things she does for you that she probably doesn't want to, and be appreciative.

Appreciate her values and point of view

Pay attention to what she has to say and digest it rather than dismiss it. You may learn something.

Give her the remote

Every once in a while. It won't kill you.

Focus on her good qualities and not her bad ones

Chances are, you are light years from perfect. Accept that she isn't either.

Here's my advice: Think of her often, in a positive light. Daydream about her, and idolize her just a little. Imagine her as her best self, and you'll want to be the type of man who is worthy of her.

Don't dwell on minor things that bug you, but instead focus on appreciating the awesomeness that is your girlfriend.

Clean up

I'm pretty sure a man doing housework is an aphrodisiac for women.

Be a good dad

Saving this one for second last, in case your relationship ever gets to that point.

A guy who looks after the kids, plays with them, changes diapers, is a good role model, is kind to them etc. is a turn on for most wives. (Note: Not saying you have to be married to raise kids together.)

And finally …

Ditch jealousy

You know that expression, "If you love something, set it free"? Well, when it comes to a woman, that's bullshit, because you never owned her in the first place to be able to set her free. She honors you with her presence based on your behavior, and she can choose to withhold that presence permanently whenever she decides.

The way to be able to trust her is to just trust her. Jealousy has the opposite of the intended effect.

Again, she has the right to leave you at any time. There are some things in a relationship where it's one strike and you're out, so don't ever [expletive] hit her.

There is a woman out there who is right for you. Go find her, and be good to her.