Men’s Sexual “Wants” and “Needs”

Christian Clifton explores the negative messages about men's sexuality in a hope of changing unjust stereotypes.

As a human being I have both needs and wants. Most of my cravings fall into these categories without much thought to their sorting. It’s second nature, usually, but every so often there are hiccups in the automation.

I see this happen with most men around me and around the world. We have bred a culture that dictates how we “should” act in order to be complete persons.

Or, at least, complete men. This is a lie that I for one, want to stop perpetuating, and I hope others will join me.

I want to stop some of the lies that we are told and then continue to tell about men. Whether it's a stereotype, anecdote, or just a funny story about "boys being boys" we need to shine a better light on who they are.

There is always a rally call to end the objectification of women and to save them from stereotypes and negative comments; there should be an equal call to save men from the false pictures we paint of them. I know there may be a grain of truth to many of the stereotypes of men, but if we want them to change we have to be willing to accept that change. Each person is responsible for altering the role of stereotypes in their thinking process.

♦◊♦

Let's look at one of the issues that often finds men miss-represented and miss-labeled because of our great love for stereotypes.

Perhaps the most misplaced use of the term "need" within relationships and men is when it is applied to sex. All the time I hear of men's sexual needs that have to be quenched. I have learned a truth concerning sex that many men might not want to admit; I don't NEED sex.

If I could not breathe for a few minutes; I would die. If I were to go a week or two without water; I would die. If I stopped eating for a month or so; I would die. These are all things that can be accurately labeled as needs because without them we would perish.

This may come as a surprise to some but I once went 21 years without sex before I was married, and as luck would have it, I survived that terrible ordeal. I did not get weak, sick, delirious,  seizures,  headaches, pain of any kind, depression, nausea, or any number symptoms that are only listed at the end of a commercial for a new experimental medication by a voice over played at three times speed. Get ready for one more shock to the system, even after having sex I can survive without it for days or weeks on end with no ill effects.

Feel free to pick your jaws up off the ground.

Do I want sex? Absolutely, but it does not define my marriage and is nowhere near the focal point of it either. I would weep for anyone in such a relationship for they are missing out on a great deal. There is so much more to another person than the short lived pleasures of the body.

Don't take this as me trying to belittle the importance or beauty of sex. Physical intimacy is an important part of a serious relationship, and can be a wonderful addition. Sex is the ultimate proof of trust and when used appropriately will bring two people closer together. Again my issue is not with sex itself but rather the false beliefs many hold about men's sexuality.




In media of all types men are lampooned for being crazed sexual beings always looking for some way to satisfy their lust. As women are too often objectified by their bodies men are treated as no better than an animal fulfilling a primal desire. We hear it lightly put as jokes, innuendo, or a random fact that appears to be common knowledge.

If we want this to stop, men, we have to be willing to speak out against it. It is ok to say you value something other than sex in a relationship. You need to know there is so much more to a woman than what she is like in bed. You have to admit that sex is not an inescapable need.

I am a man, I am not an animal without ability to think beyond the urges my body throws at me. I am a man; I am more than my sex drive and see others in the same light. I am a man, and I do not need sex.