From the Husband of a Survivor

Kevin Nielsen shares the story of how he helped his wife heal from her sexual abuse, and offers advice for other secondary victims.

I was 12 years old when my eyes were opened to some of the greatest evil this world has to offer. I found out three of my close friends had been sexually abused.
I was shocked because I never suspected this man of anything. He was so charismatic and nice that it was difficult to understand that it had actually happened.
But then I genuinely looked at my friends and was able to catch a small glimpse of what they must be living.

As a young boy, I saw firsthand the damages that can plague victims for the rest of their lives. My friends would never be the same.

Years later, I was fortunate to find and marry a wonderful woman I love more than anything. At that time, my wife, Deondra, had repressed the things that were done to her and the two of us had trouble understanding her reactions to certain situations. Over time, she felt safe and protected enough that the memories returned in full force.

I stood in horror as I watched her slip in and out of experiences, reliving the nightmares from the past. I felt helpless because it seemed there was nothing I could do —- I couldn't take away the pain or fix the problem. I went through a variety of emotions: anger, guilt, helplessness, and even the occasional desire to flee.

Many times the reemergence of memories were triggered by an action that I had done and was unaware of.

I soon realized what was causing her reactions, and that they were not either of our faults.

Actions had transpired in her past that she had no control over, and forever changed the direction her life would take. And because her life was altered, mine became too.

I was not victimized as my wife was, but the abuse from her childhood has affected me deeply. I know there are many individuals who have similar experiences to my own. They themselves have not been abused, but someone with whom they are close has been. There are mixtures of feelings that are oftentimes very confusing. Moments of anger, confusion, sorrow, bafflement, all while still feeling great love and compassion for the person who is suffering.

How does one sort out these feelings while trying to be a support? My wife had been hurt so much already, and the last thing I wanted to do is add more pain.

I have been asked many times how I've dealt with everything that's happened to my wife. The answer is with great difficulty. I mentally separated my actions into two categories. First, I encouraged her to be herself —- to express her emotions, as she needed, without influencing her.

I tried to be a constant she could depend on and not express too many of my own opinions, beyond those of caring and acceptance. I felt that if she saw my shock and horror at what had been done to her in too much depth, she would either flee for my sake or convince herself that she was partially to blame for my feelings. Many victims have been conditioned to believe they are at least partially responsible for the abuse and its effects. When in a precarious state, it is easy to misinterpret the feelings of others.

All I could do is try my best to be there in the ways she would hope. Not just because I love her, but because I know we need each other. Because I know that together we can find the happiness we deserve.

Secondly, I had to realize something important that would help validate my feelings and allow me to work through the confusion. I am a secondary victim through the experiences of my wife and our life together. This in no way compares to what she is living through but is true nevertheless. The abuse has changed the way we live our lives. It has altered almost every facet of it.

Life will never be the same because of the terrible actions of a man who should have kept her safe. All I can do is make sure she feels protected now by standing beside her through anything and everything.

♦◊♦

Those of us who care for victims of sexual abuse will find our reactions are far reaching and affect more than we could have imagined. I needed time to sort out my own feelings, and to process the drastic changes to the way I had envisioned my marriage and future to be.

Abuse is a topic that nobody wants to talk about, which leaves us unequipped to deal with it and its very real consequences. Our minds do not even want to go there because the topic is so intense and terrible.

Seek out those you trust and let them assist you. It is also very important to find individuals who have been professionally trained to help you understand and work through the process of healing. You cannot do it alone.

Above everything else, I always try to remember that while abuse is something that has happened to my wife, it does not change the person she is. She is still the same beautiful and compassionate woman I fell in love with so many years ago. She is injured in a very real way, but that does not change the way I feel about her. She needs all the love and support I can give her.

She needs to feel like she is not alone, and that I can somehow share her load. As an individual grows from being a victim who was acted upon into a survivor, the transformation is remarkable and beautiful. It is like watching the sunrise for the first time; the victory of light over darkness with only the greatest of possibilities ahead.