Find (And Keep!) A Girlfriend

We all know finding the woman of your dreams isn’t simple, but happily-married James Fell has some tips that just might help.

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Life is not an Axe body spray commercial.

Sex sells, and what is often sold to young men is the concept of banging every hot woman in his area code. Use this hair gel, follow these pick-up tactics, spray this noxious scent and you'll have scantily-clad females chasing you down like it's a foxhunt.

Thanks to evolution via natural selection, sex is a motivating force. As a fitness writer, I know that the desire to fornicate motivates some men to quest for six-pack abs, as if a rippling midsection miraculously causes women to drop their pants and commence ovulating. But I took a survey, which showed that doesn't actually happen.

I don't care how many partners you've had, or want to have. There are plenty of products that promise to transform you into a ladies man, but I'd like to propose an alternative; a more realistic one; an alternative that could possibly make you a happier man, a better man.

If you've wasted time reading the creepy-rapey-misogynistic bullshit spouted by self-proclaimed pick-up artists (PUAs) to get laid, then you know that this is the exact opposite of that kind of advice. To quote a light-saber wielding little green puppet: "You must unlearn what you have learned."

And one quick note—as a man who is married to a woman, I can only speak from that perspective. But this article is not intended to exclude anybody, regardless of gender or orientation.

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Part One: The case for one woman instead of many

The Internet is rife with methods for getting laid. PUAs have all sorts of ridiculous methods and games that promise to provide you with a new sexual conquest every night. Just insult her, act aloof, wear a fuzzy hat and treat your female encounters like hostage negotiations—where what you're negotiating over is the release of her panties…or something. You'll be awash in more ladies than your body can possibly tolerate.

I know precisely diddly squat about picking up women for a one-nighter. I mean, I managed to do it once or twice a very long time ago, so I know what it's like, but I'm not even sure how I did it. What I'd like to do first is convince you of why you may be better off with being dedicated to one woman than trying (and probably failing) to have sex with many.

First off, guys in relationships get more sex than single men do. Check out this chart from the Kinsey Institute, which shows that married guys and guys with girlfriends are far more likely to be engaging in regular sex than single dudes. It's the single fellas who regularly go more than a year without sex.

Anecdotally, I've spoken with many single friends over the years who lament the infrequency of their fornication. 

I've been with the same woman 24 years, and I have a happy and regular sex life (and that's all I'll share on that subject). Look at the Kinsey chart again. Married people do have sex, no matter what comedians and sitcoms tell you.

I would venture that even guys who are supposedly good at the pick-up game don't get as much sex as guys who are good at relationships.

I've spoken with both a well-known PUA, as well as a friend who was just so charming and good-looking that women seemed to flock to him, and I still averaged at least as much sex as the former and more than the latter. The second eventually decided “to hell with being single”, got married to a nice woman, and has a couple of kids now. The first, as far as I know, is still incapable of having a lasting relationship. He told me he wished he had what I did.

But the single guys get to have sex with several women, while the balled-and-chained ones only get to have it with one. That sucks!

Says who? Why is it that sex with many is better than with one? First off, let's question those words "many" and "several" by taking another look at the Kinsey chart. Do you actually know real-live men who have had tremendous and high frequency sex using these PUA tactics to "score copious vagina"?

And second, what can you learn about a person in one night? Sexual encounters, if you're a caring and unselfish lover who is capable of, you know, learning, get better over time with another person as you figure each other out. You get even more comfortable with each other. You learn what the other person likes and dislikes. A lot of stress is removed and you can jump into it in seconds and start going at it like bonobos on IV Viagra just because it's a day that ends in "Y."

Third, and this is a really big one, NO CONDOMS!

Well, if you do all the background checks with both of you coming up clean, and have a reliable alternative form of birth control going on, and are monogamous, then you get to ride bareback, and that's awesome.

And finally, being in love is also awesome. It can make you a better person.

That whole "ball and chain" bullshit is just that. Bull and shit. Every time I look at my wife – the person who has been my very best friend for more than two decades – I think of how lucky I am to have her in my life. I know that no matter what happens, she has my back. I could get sick, injured, poor … and as long as I stayed loyal and decent she wouldn't leave my side. She'd help me through it.

Would some one-night stand you met at the bar do that?

So, let's recap why one woman > many women (at least for me):

• The whole "many" part is likely an exaggeration.
• More sex. Probably way more if you're a good boyfriend.
• The sex gets better as you learn more about each other.
• No condoms! Holy freaking yay and hooray!
• New best friend who likes being naked with you and makes more than just your penis feel good.

Not all women are awesome, but a lot are. If you're just a young guy don't fear that I'm talking about marriage and mortgages and multiplying and minivans here. This is just about finding one woman you can be with for more than a weekend, and then you'll see where it goes from there.

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Part 2: Advice for finding a girlfriend

My relationship with my wife predates the advent of the Internet, so I'm talking about old-fashioned face-to-face interactions here.

—Put looks in perspective

There is a lot more to a woman than how she looks. She could be a runway model, but if her personality makes you grind your teeth, it won't last even a little while. I'm not saying you should chase women who you don't find visually appealing, but understand that the vast majority of the population doesn't fit into that mold you see on the cover of magazines. Real women look like real women. Even cover models are well-lit, made-up, and Photoshopped to hell and back.

And besides, are you a young Brad Pitt? If you were, would you be reading this?

You need to find someone you can have a conversation with; someone who makes you think: This person is cool. I like this person. I want to spend time with this person. You want to find a woman who, the more time you spend with her, the better looking she becomes.

—Be your (best) self

The guy I am when I'm hanging out with my male friends isn't really the guy I am most of the time. We're talking trash and saying some seriously raunchy stuff. You know, locker room guy talk. That's just letting the Y chromosome run loose for a while.

When you meet a woman for the first time, you can't pretend to be a person you're not in an effort to impress her. She might buy it for a little while, but the long-term potential is doomed. You have to be yourself, but be your best self. Be the man you really aspire to be more like. Basically, behave. Be a gentleman. Be a little nicer than usual. Be your "helping the elderly lady with her groceries" self rather than the "I'm on my fifth beer and watching football with the guys" self.

Women understand you have multiple personalities. The old-woman-helping personality is probably more the true you than you realize. She realizes it, and appreciates it, and probably doesn't mind the asshole version of you that you pretend to be around your friends as long as she doesn't need to be subjected to it all the time. She understands it's basic male-posturing bullshit that we're all prone to.

What I'm saying is, skip all that alpha male crap and just be the polite and kind version of you.

—Where to meet them

Absolutely anywhere. Don't ever feel like you have to go to a place where alcohol is served. You could be waiting in a line, waiting for a bus, in an elevator, at a bookstore, buying groceries, at the gym, in a park, in a coffee shop, out for a walk. Anywhere women are present is an acceptable place to meet them. You can strike up a conversation and see where it goes.

—Avoid the disinterested

If she has her headphones on and her nose buried in a book, this is a signal that she'd rather not be disturbed. Leave her alone. Depending on the circumstances, you don't necessarily need to wait for a "come hither" look, but if someone seems at least open to a friendly chat, take a shot.

Here is my advice on taking such shots:

1. Observations work, pickup lines don't

Women often say that, "Hello, my name is …" is the best form of an introduction, and I've never heard one who says they like a pickup line. However, you can show some creativity that sets you apart by making a witty or insightful comment.

Although I am 100% dedicated to my wife, I still do talk to other women. Not long ago my son was taking his learner's license exam. A woman sat next to me while her daughter was taking the same exam. We were both on our iPhones doing … nothing important.

I said, "You know, in the days before smart phones we might actually have been forced to talk to one another."

She chuckled, per her phone down, and said, "What do you want to talk about?" And so we chatted for the next 20 minutes. All it took was a somewhat witty observation about what was happening right then. It poked fun at something that we were both well aware of. Most importantly, there was nothing sexual about it. In my (married) case, I'd never do that anyway, but in your case it's equally important to make these introductory observations completely innocent.

If something strikes you at the spur of the moment as an interesting and potentially witty observation, then it's a good icebreaker. If you're good at it then it can work even better than the "Hello, my name is …" route because the latter's more formal nature can imply your intentions outright, which can be awkward if she's not interested or in a relationship, whereas the witty observation can be interpreted as simply making conversation. It lowers the risk, and allows you to bail a lot easier if you feel the conversation isn't going well.

Remember, choose silly over sexual with an icebreaker. You could be waiting at a bus stop, and it's pouring rain. You are standing near a woman you find attractive. You could say something like: "I have to remember to water the lawn when I get home." Or, "You know, I don't think I've ever actually seen anyone sing in the rain before."

Whatever happens after that second one, don't start serenading her.

2. Be ready to cease and desist

Maybe you thought you saw an opening, and maybe you were wrong.

Read her reactions to your approach. If she's not interested, she'll give you clues. Watch for them. If you receive such clues, back away. If she's not positively engaging with you then it's not going anywhere.

But if it does start going somewhere …

3. Actually listen to what she has to say

Don't view her talking as the mandatory period of time you need to sporadically wait until you get to talk about yourself again. Actually listen to what she has to say and process it with your brain rather than just thinking with the much smaller, stupider brain between your legs. Beyond just being respectful, it gives you key insights into her personality, which will let you know if this is someone you may actually wish to date for an extended period of time.

4. Compliment her on things other than her looks

I interviewed a number of women about how they like to be approached in the gym, and the consensus is that they don't appreciate being appreciated solely for their looks. From my article:

Jen much prefers a compliment on her strength as opposed to her shape. "A workout-related compliment would totally work for me," Kris says.

Michelle says, "I do tons of squats to keep my ass defying gravity, but a comment about that is not appreciated. You can save it for when we know each other better."

Feel free to compliment a women on her technique, effort or strength, but, as Michelle says, save the compliments about her physique for when you know her better.

Outside the gym it's the same deal. It you find an opportunity to give her a sincere compliment about something other than her looks because you are legitimately impressed, and not just looking to get into her pants, then that's okay.

5. You don't need to act interested in her; you need to BE interested

Remember, we're talking about girlfriend material here. Not one night stand. A relationship is an investment of time, emotion and even love that goes way beyond sex. Find someone you find interesting.

6. Accept that rejection will happen

I know a lot of PUAs preach the numbers game. Hit on a ton of women and some will be interested. Screw that.

Be discerning. Engage in conversations with women you find interesting and attractive and see where it goes. But also realize that things could be one-sided. You may like her, but it's not reciprocated. This does NOT make her a bitch. It makes her a human being deserving of respect. Don't fall into that "poor me" trap.

Women have every right to reject you. Accept it. Learn from it. Find someone you like who won't reject you, and be happy together.

7. Focus on her

When you're talking to her, focus on her. Don't keep scanning the room for someone better to come along. That's just rude.

8. Tell her what you want

Personally, what I think what you should want is to talk to her again, and that you should tell her that. Something along the lines of, "I'd like to call you and talk more. Can I have your phone number?"

It's not a date. You didn't ask to "see her" again. It's just a phone number where you can call and chat further and see where that goes. Mind you, that's the safe way to play it. 

The night I met my wife I spent about four hours talking to her to the exclusion of all others. I was so enamored it was like the rest of the world ceased to exist, and I could tell that she was interested in me as well – there were hints she gave that even I was able to read – and I asked her out on a proper date that evening. But that was specific to the circumstances. Don't feel the need to rush. Speaking of which …

9. Don't feel the need to rush

Every woman is different. There is no such thing as a "three date rule" about sex.

I know a woman who took a guy home from a bar she'd met that night, and he never left. They were together for ten years and had two kids. Other people take longer before they're interested in having sex. Progress can be slow, but as long as you feel as though your relationship is progressing at a rate you're comfortable with, no outside influences on "closing escrow" or other male-locker-room-bullshit terminology should matter one bit.

If it's meant to happen, it will happen. And if it doesn't happen, you need to accept that. You know what I'm talking about. Be a good man, not a bad man.

10. Don't feel the need to follow traditional dating rules

Just ask to hang out with her and do fun stuff with her. Go out and live some life together. It doesn't have to be all fancy dinners and movies, although sometimes that's good too. Other times, it's just hanging out.

11. Cook for her

It worked for me.

12. Talk about where things are going

You don't want to weird her out by doing this too soon, but it's worth talking about your relationship to find out at least an idea of where it's going and what she wants to see if it's in line with what you want. Again, not talking marriage and minivan here, but perhaps having a discussion about things like exclusivity and a desire to get closer could be valuable.

13. Don't be a whiner

Women like confidence, but that doesn't necessarily manifest the way you might think. This doesn't mean you act like I'm confident I can get you to take your pants off, because her reaction to that may likely be, I'm confident that you will NEVER see me naked. Instead, they prefer men who can handle the trials and tribulations that affect every life with a minimum of fuss. They don't want a guy they have to babysit, but someone who can get excrement done and fix their own problems with a positive attitude rather than a defeatist who mopes about how life isn't fair.

You're right. Life isn't fair. Deal with it ...